Ask Dr. Tiffany!
Attention all students - we have a wonderful treat for you! One of our senior staff psychologists, Dr. Tiffany O'Meara, who coordinates the CAPS Wellness Center and the Wellness Peer Education Program, has volunteered to answer your questions about general wellness topics! Her column is also included on our homepage, under "Your Wellness."
Dr. O'Meara is an expert on wellness, healthy lifestyles, and reducing stress and anxiety through wellness-oriented techniques. She also runs the wildly popular Building Social Confidence Group, and supervises the Stress Management Through Biofeedback Workshops.
This page will include all of Dr. O'Meara's Q&A articles. Check this page regularly for more of Dr. Tiffany's wellness advice!
Q: "Dr. Tiffany - I’m really nervous in social situations. What can I do to be more confident?"
A: It’s very natural to feel anxious in social situations. It’s common to be more anxious in larger groups of people, when you’ve got to speak in front of others, when you approach someone you’re interested in romantically, and when facing an authority figure such as a professor or a boss at work. You may experience physical symptoms such as butterflies in your stomach, a racing heart, trembling or shaking, sweating, or your face may flush. Again, these are all natural reactions to feeling anxious in a social situation. Some reasons people feel anxious are that they may be fearful of doing or saying something that will be embarrassing, they don’t know what to say, and ultimately are afraid of rejection. We are all social animals, we all want to be liked, and we all want to feel like a valued member of a group. So no wonder we feel more anxious in social situations! We don’t want to do or say something that might jeopardize our social success.
The first step in increasing your social confidence is to realize that you are not alone. Even people who appear to be very socially confident, still get anxious in social situations. Here at UCSD, there is a wait list every quarter for the Building Social Confidence group. Two groups fill every quarter, and every student says the same thing- that somewhere, in some kind of social situation, they feel anxious and they want to gain confidence. Just knowing that you’re not alone, that others are in the same boat, can feel very validating.
The next thing you want to do is to try something different! When we are nervous in social situations, we tend to repeat patterns that in the short run reduce our anxiety, but in the long run make the problem worse. In anxious social situations, it is common to want to do one of three things:
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Escape! When you’re in a social situation and you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s natural to want to flee the situation and get out of there as fast as you can to avoid any uncomfortable feelings or physical reactions.
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Use Safety Behaviors: If we feel we can’t handle the social situation on our own, we may bring a friend with us, we may only talk about one topic we feel familiar with, we may stand in a corner and only talk to people we know, or we may use a safety behavior such as alcohol to help us feel more comfortable. Safety behaviors become a problem when we depend on them to be successful in social situations, thus never learning how to tackle the fearful situations on our own.
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Avoidance: Maybe you never have to escape or use a safety behavior because you decide to not even face the social situation in the first place!
It’s natural to use these tactics when you feel fearful. And the great news is they work! They help to reduce your anxiety. The bad news is that you never learn how to face your fears on your own, and never learn whether or not you can be successful. The worst part is that you may be keeping yourself from reaching some of your life goals.
Any time you want to change something in your life you need to try something different. You need to start taking some risks to make changes. Perhaps you can join a recreation class through RIMAC, or join a club or student group through CSI (Center for Student Involvement, previously known as SOLO). Maybe you can start a conversation with a person in your discussion group or lab. You may want to take a risk to join your friends and go out with them instead of staying at home alone. There are lots of ways you could start making some changes to become more social!
When you’re thinking about what you can talk about in social situations, remember these three tips:
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Give a Compliment! Compliments make both the recipient and the giver feel great. Following up a compliment with a question is a great way to get a conversation going. For example, “That color looks great on you. Where did you get that sweater?,” “You always do so well on the exams. How do you prepare for the tests?,” “Your lectures are really interesting. How did you get interested in this field?”
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Search for Common Ground: In any social situation, a great way to start a conversation is to make a comment or ask a question about the situation you are sharing at that moment. For example, “We’ve got our paper due in a couple weeks. Do you know what topic you’re writing yours on yet?,” “I’ve heard good things about this class. Have you ever taken a class from this professor before?,” “There are so many people at this club meeting. Have you ever attended one of these before? Did you like it?”
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The number one thing people like talking about? Themselves! You can enquire about almost anything, “What’s your major?,” “Where are you from?,” “Have you seen any good movies lately?,” “What do you like to do for fun?,” etc… Think of it like you’re throwing out a fishing line in hopes of “catching” some “common ground.” Once you find a topic that you know something about, it’s easier to take the conversation to a deeper level.
If you feel that your anxiety is just too high or you don’t have the skills to start and maintain conversations, there are some great resources on campus to help you. For example, the UCSD program “Express to Success” helps students develop their public speaking, interpersonal communication, and leadership skills. See http://ets.ucsd.edu/proginfo.html for more information. Research shows that one of the most successful ways of treating social anxiety is through cognitive behavioral group therapy. The “Building Social Confidence group” through Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) examines the behaviors and thoughts that are maintaining your anxiety, teaches new coping skills, and works with people on a weekly basis at setting and reaching their social goals (see our “Groups & Workshops” section of our website). You could also schedule an individual appointment with any of the therapists at CAPS to talk one-on-one about your anxiety. They may talk to you about what thoughts or behaviors are maintaining your anxiety. They may teach you some relaxation techniques to help decrease the physical symptoms of anxiety. They may also talk to you about medications that can help to reduce anxiety in social situations.
If you’re not quite ready to talk to someone, there are some really great books out there to help reduce anxiety in social situations. “Diagonally-Parked in a Parallel Universe: Working Through Social Anxiety” by Signe A. Dayhoff, Ph.D., and “The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook” by Antony & Swinson are a few that I recommend. You may also have success checking out reviews on an on-line book site, or browsing through a bookstore.
The most important thing is to start facing your fears. Know that it is not likely that you will get rid of your anxious feelings. But you need to get out there and interact anyway. There’s a great saying that goes “Fake It Till You Make It.” At first you may still feel anxious, but the more practice you get, the more comfortable you will feel, and your confidence will begin to rise. Over time your anxiety will start to decrease. The only way to build your social confidence is to get out there and start practicing!
Q: "Dr. Tiffany - What's all this I hear about Biofeedback? Can it really reduce stress?"
A: Biofeedback is very exciting because it combines psychology and physiology. You’ve probably heard of the word “biofeedback” by now, though you may not know exactly what it is or how it can help to reduce stress. It’s really very simple; anything that gives you information about what is going on in your body is biofeedback. For example, if you feel ill and you use a thermometer to take your temperature; that is biofeedback. Or when you check your pulse to monitor your heart, you are giving yourself biofeedback!
When we are under stress, our bodies go through changes that occur on many levels; some of which are obvious (e.g., your heart pounds, your hands sweat, your muscles tense up, you may even feel a rush of adrenaline in an extremely stressful situation). Our bodies also respond to stress in ways that you can’t readily observe (e.g., changes in your heart rate, blood pressure, skin temperature, electrical activity of the brain). Biofeedback machines help you monitor these changes by converting your physiological activity (which is internal) into a bioelectric signal (which is external), and amplifies it so you can detect it. Common types of biofeedback machines measure heart rate, sweat gland activity, breathing patterns, muscle tension, or changes in temperature. Once you are able to observe these bodily activities, you can then try to modify them.
Your body’s reaction to stress is rapid and involuntary. While your body has the ability to calm down and relax deeply, it’s often something we have to consciously make an effort to do. People use a variety of techniques to relax their body, including deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization. By listening to changes in sound or watching a readout screen, biofeedback machines give you direct, immediate feedback about whether or not you have successfully relaxed your body.
The idea is that you can learn to bring an automatic, sympathetic nervous system reaction to stress under voluntary control. The more successful you are at being able to relax your body, the better able you’ll be able to reduce stress. And yes, it really works! Biofeedback has been used to treat many conditions, including headaches, chronic pain, muscle tension, and teeth grinding. Once you learn what it takes to relax your body, you can start to apply these relaxation techniques anywhere, in a variety of situations.
If you’re interested in learning more and practicing biofeedback, join the Stress Management through Relaxation Training & Biofeedback workshop offered in the Spring quarter. Check out the Stress Management Clinic for more details!
Q: "Dr. Tiffany - What is the best way to have a more balanced life?"
A: Have you heard of the sayings, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” or “Too much of a good thing?” In both of these cases, balance in life is missing. I find that most UCSD students know that if they party too much, spend too much time socializing or playing on the computer, that this could impact their ability to perform academically. However, many UCSD students have the opposite problem- they get so anxious about their academic performance, that they spend all of their free time studying. Or, at least thinking they “should” be studying, as many just end up procrastinating anyway. Creating a BALANCED life is the key to stress management. It’s a given for most students that they will need to plan time to attend class, study for exams, write papers, and some also have part-time jobs. I often hear students say they “don’t have time” for anything else. What ends up happening is that students get overwhelmed by all of the work in their lives and they end up procrastinating, because their mind cannot possibly engage in so much work hour after hour, and day after day. It would be much more beneficial if students could plan time for relaxation and fun. For example, going out with friends, exercising, picking up a hobby, joining a sports team, taking a dance or yoga class, participating in a club, taking a bath, going for a walk on the beach, and listening to music are all ways to create more balance in life. Students who plan ahead for these type of events on a regular basis report to feel more happy and satisfied in life, and are much more likely to actually study when it’s time to study!