Counselor Blogs
Welcome to the Counselor Blogs page! This is the newest section of our website, and we are pleased to offer you a chance to get to read some ‘blogs’ from our own CAPS staff! These are informal, short passages on various psychology-related topics. We hope this section is useful in your journey for “growth, strength, and harmony” – as well as getting to know our staff a little better! We hope you enjoy our offerings. Continue to visit this page regularly to see our latest Counselor Blog offerings! Click on the Blog Topic of your choice!
| CAPS Staff | Blog Topic |
Christina Castro, PhD |
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Reina Juarez, PhD |
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Reina Juarez, PhD |
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Christina Lambert, PhD |
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Robert Mashman, PhD, ABPP |
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Robert Mashman, PhD, ABPP |
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Tiffany O’Meara, PhD |
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Samuel Park, PhD |
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Junghee Park-Adams, PhD |
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Nima Patel, PhD |
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Nima Patel, PhD |
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Jerry Phelps, PhD |
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Natalie Rice-Thorp, PhD |
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Natalie Rice-Thorp, PhD |
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Peter Russell, PhD |
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Peter Russell, PhD |
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Rina Schul, PhD |
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John Sexton, PhD, ABPP |
Christina Castro, PhD, Blog #1
Freshman Transition
While starting college may feel like an exciting change, we may still react with worry and concern about what lies ahead. We may experience a sense of loss as a result of leaving friends behind and being away from family at the time we need them the most. In times of transition, we may also experience insecurity and feel as though we have to prove ourselves academically and with new friends. So many changes can be overwhelming and impact us negatively if left unaddressed. In times of stressful transitions, we may also find ourselves using coping skills that could cause us more distress in the future. Some of these coping skills may include: abusing alcohol or drugs; eating issues such as restricting, overeating, or binging and purging; isolation; self-critical behavior; or acting out with roommates, friends, or partners. Some of these behaviors could impact your ability to make the most of your college experience. If you are looking for strategies for making the most of your college experience and setting yourself up for success, you may want to check out our Freshman Success Workshop. For more information, contact me at 534-0252.
Reina Juarez, PhD, Blog #1
Welcome to UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services!
We are delighted to be of service to you. Please, become familiar with who we are and our offerings. We serve as a resource and sustaining system to empower students to work on personal development and academic goals. We also support the faculty, staff, and families invested in students’ success. Take advantage of UCSD’s opportunities for intellectual achievement and evolution as a whole person. We also encourage you to visit with us in person. May your endeavors be fructiferous, revitalizing, and gratifying. May mental health be your greatest wealth. And may we be partners building healthy, sharing, thriving and life-long learning communities. Please visit our site regularly for updated information!
Reina Juarez, PhD, Blog #2
Self-Psychology 101
When I learned about Self-Psychology, the doors to know myself, people, and the world opened up with a bright perspective. This way of conceptualizing human beings and the world in which we evolve has given me a heart within psychology with the strength of empathy, which I use daily in my personal life and my work with students, colleagues, and the university community. For instance, when we use empathy we see the world from the “other person’s perspective,” facilitating understanding and serving as antidote to many self-defeating emotions such as anger, envy, jealousy, and hate. Empathy can also be used toward one’s self to uproot self-depreciation, self-alienation, and self-hate. Self Psychology talks about our need for “self objects” to get to know ourselves and self-regulate. In the beginning, self-objects are our caregivers and that stuffed-animal, food, toy, or blanket that gave us comfort. As we grow up, all of us continue to need self-objects and their nature changes as we change. Some are internalized such as the ability to love one’s self, while others continue to exert their influence from the outside. Music, art, partners, friends, books, mentors, nature, meditation … all of them can serve as self-objects that help us self-sooth and feel connected with positive forces in our lives. I support the life-long quest of surrounding ourselves with self-empowering self-objects to be truly alive, wise, compassionate, loving, generative, creative, generous, joyful, healthy, and full of vitality!!!! There is no need to put up with toxic people and environments. As we become self-efficient we can select our self-objects, including the people we want close to us, the places where we want to live and work, and give meaning, purpose, and plenitude to our lives. There is so much more to Self-Psychology. I hope we can talk more about it soon.
Christina Lambert, PhD, Blog #1
Existential Angst
Existential Angst …. On one hand it can torture us; on the other hand it can bring meaning to our lives. So often students grapple with their purpose in the world. Sometimes they get depressed or anxious by the thought that life may have no significance. While ontological questioning can trigger fear, it can also help us help us clarify our purpose. Religious ideology, family values, cultural norms and social pressures can shape our beliefs about the meaning of life. When we examine our beliefs and contemplate the significance of life, we then have the opportunity to make intentional life choices congruent with our beliefs that facilitate the fulfillment of our life purpose. In facing our existential fear, we can liberate ourselves to live a meaningful life. If you are experiencing any of these types of questions in your life and aren’t sure what to do about it, I encourage you to talk to one of our psychologists at CAPS – we can help!
Robert Mashman, PhD, Counselor Blog #1
Getting a Good Night’s Sleep
Adequate sleep is important for success at college. It can be a challenge to get enough sleep. College students are notorious for staying up late because there so many interesting things going on – often at night! Then there is all the studying that you didn’t get to during the day. It doesn’t take much to get off track when it comes to sleeping. Once you sleep is disrupted, it can take a little planning to get you sleep back in order. The number of hours required for adequate sleep can vary modestly for each individual, but for the age of college students, it is usually about eight hours.
There are so many reasons to get enough sleep. First of all, cognitive functioning is impaired in the sleep deprived. Without enough sleep, your memory doesn’t work as well and you won’t perform as well on tests. Sleep deprivation can also depress your mood and reduce your enjoyment of life. Chronic insufficient sleep has been identified as an increased risk factor in certain illnesses. Lack of sleep has been implicated in a high percentage of car accidents because judgment and physical reflexes are impaired. To perform your best academically and feel good emotionally and physically, you need to sleep well.
Here are some tips to become a better sleeper, courtesy of the University of Maryland, Medical Center, Sleep Disorders Center:
(1) Adjust Your Personal Habits
Fix a bedtime and an awakening time. Do not be one of those people who allows bedtime and awakening time to drift. The body "gets used" to falling asleep at a certain time, but only if this is relatively fixed. Even if you are retired or not working, this is an essential component of good sleeping habits.
Avoid napping during the day. If you nap throughout the day, it is no wonder that you will not be able to sleep at night. The late afternoon for most people is a "sleepy time." Many people will take a nap at that time. This is generally not a bad thing to do, provided you limit the nap to 30–45 minutes and can sleep well at night.
Avoid alcohol 4-6 hours before bedtime. Many people believe that alcohol helps them sleep. While alcohol has an immediate sleep-inducing effect, a few hours later as the alcohol levels in your blood start to fall, there is a stimulant or wake-up effect.
Avoid caffeine 4-6 hours before bedtime. This includes caffeinated beverages such as coffee, tea and many sodas, as well as chocolate, so be careful. Avoid heavy, spicy, or sugary foods 4-6 hours before bedtime. These can affect your ability to stay asleep.
Exercise regularly, but not right before bed. Regular exercise, particularly in the afternoon, can help deepen sleep. Strenuous exercise within the 2 hours before bedtime, however, can decrease your ability to fall asleep.
Coming soon in my next Blog: More ways to become a better sleeper!
Robert Mashman, PhD, Counselor Blog #2
Getting a Good Night’s Sleep, Part 2
Last week I talked about why it is important to sleep well and then posted the first steps in how to become a better sleeper from the University of Maryland, Medical Center, Sleep Disorders Center. The first steps were (1) Adjust Your Personal Habits, such as having a fixed bedtime, avoid napping during the day, limit alcohol and caffeine use, and exercising regularly (but not right before bedtime!). Today I’ll post the rest of the list of ways to get a good night’s sleep:
(2) Your Sleeping Environment
Use comfortable bedding. Uncomfortable bedding can prevent good sleep. Evaluate whether or not this is a source of your problem, and make appropriate changes. Find a comfortable temperature setting for sleeping and keep the room well ventilated. If your bedroom is too cold or too hot, it can keep you awake. A cool (not cold) bedroom is often the most conducive to sleep.
Block out all distracting noise, and eliminate as much light as possible.
Reserve the bed for sleep and sex. Don’t use the bed as an office, workroom or recreation room. Let your body "know" that the bed is associated with sleeping.
Getting Ready For Bed
Try a light snack before bed. Warm milk and foods high in the amino acid tryptophan, such as bananas, may help you to sleep. Practice relaxation techniques before bed. Relaxation techniques such as yoga, deep breathing and others may help relieve anxiety and reduce muscle tension.
Don’t take your worries to bed. Leave your worries about job, school, daily life, etc., behind when you go to bed. Some people find it useful to assign a "worry period" during the evening or late afternoon to deal with these issues.
Establish a pre-sleep ritual. Pre-sleep rituals, such as a warm bath or a few minutes of reading, can help you sleep. Get into your favorite sleeping position. If you don’t fall asleep within 15–30 minutes, get up, go into another room, and read until sleepy.
Getting Up in the Middle of the Night
Most people wake up one or two times a night for various reasons. If you find that you get up in the middle of night and cannot get back to sleep within 15–20 minutes, then do not remain in the bed "trying hard" to sleep. Get out of bed. Leave the bedroom. Read, have a light snack, do some quiet activity, or take a bath. You will generally find that you can get back to sleep 20 minutes or so later. Do not perform challenging or engaging activity such as office work, housework, etc. Do not watch television.
A Word About Television
Many people fall asleep with the television on in their room. Watching television before bedtime is often a bad idea. Television is a very engaging medium that tends to keep people up. We generally recommend that the television not be in the bedroom. At the appropriate bedtime, the TV should be turned off and you should go to bed. Some people find that the radio helps them go to sleep. Since radio is a less engaging medium than TV, this is probably a better idea.
Other Factors
Several physical factors are known to upset sleep. These include arthritis, acid reflux with heartburn, menstruation, headaches and hot flashes.
Psychological and mental health problems like depression, anxiety and stress are often associated with sleeping difficulty. In many cases, difficulty staying asleep may be the only presenting sign of depression. A mental health professional should be consulted about these issues to help determine the problem and the best remediative plan.
Many medications can cause sleeplessness as a side effect. Ask your doctor or pharmacist if medications you are taking can lead to sleeplessness.
To help overall improvement in sleep patterns, a physician may prescribe sleep medications for short-term relief of a sleep problem. The decision to take sleeping aids is a medical one to be made in the context of your overall health picture. Taking prescribed or over-the-counter sleep medication is usually not a successful long-term solutions. Always follow the advice of your physician and other healthcare professionals. The goal is to rediscover how to sleep naturally.
Tiffany O’Meara, PhD, Counselor Blog #1
Dealing with Social Anxiety
Do you find yourself anxious in social situations? Is it difficult for you to go to parties or talk in a group of peers? Do you avoid starting conversations with others for fear of being rejected? If so, you may have Social Anxiety. Social Anxiety (or Social Phobia) is a condition that causes sufferers to experience intense anxiety in some or all of the social interactions and public events of everyday life.
The good news is that you are not alone. Having Social Anxiety can feel very isolating, and you may feel like you are the only person having these difficulties. But the fact is, many students at UCSD experience Social Anxiety. For some, they feel comfortable with friends, but the thought of asking someone out on a date or talking to a professor is frightening. For others, they experience anxiety in almost every social situation, like making a phone call or asking for assistance in a department store. The best news of all is that there is help available at UCSD’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS).
Research shows that the best treatment for Social Anxiety is cognitive-behavioral group therapy, and that’s exactly what we offer at CAPS! I lead one of the most popular groups at CAPS – the Building Social Confidence Group. This group addresses all the things I have described about treating Social Anxiety. It’s natural if the thought of going to a group is scary. However, everyone who joins the group is in the same boat, and one of the most helpful things about the group is meeting others who are experience the same concerns and who can relate to you. Contact me, Dr. Tiffany O’Meara at (858) 534-1579 or tmomeara@ucsd.edu to find out more about Social Anxiety or the Building Social Confidence Group.
Samuel Park, PhD, Counselor Blog #1
Making the Most of your Relationships
What makes relationships so challenging for some of us? For some, it seems like meeting people and having long-lasting relationships comes naturally – with seemingly no effort. However, for many of us (including me!), meeting new people and maintaining friendships can be quite a challenge. You might be surprised hearing that I, a psychologist, can find relationships at times difficult. Difficult – yes; is it worth yes – absolutely yes! Here’s the thing … everyone has the potential to have successful friendships and relationships. It takes a couple of decisions – (1) you must want to have friendships; (2) beyond wanting, you must ‘put yourself out there’ and take the risk of rejection. Just be yourself – don’t try ‘too hard’ – but do be active in trying to meet others. If you are simply yourself with others, it will only be a matter of time until you meet others with whom you will click. Sometimes, because of past failures or rejections, we assume those things will happen again when we meet others. But history doesn’t have to repeat itself when it comes to relationships! If you want more help in establishing or maintaining relationships, you might want to consider the Knowing Me, Knowing You counseling group offered at CAPS. This group helps students with the very issues I have been describing. If you are interested, please call me at (858) 534-3585, and I’ll be happy to give you some more information about the group!
Junghee Park-Adams, PhD, Blog #1
How to Keep a (almost) Perfectly Good Relationship.
A broken heart is one of the more common problems that bring students to see a counselor. Sometimes some relationships are better off broken. However, I often see that people have difficulties managing reasonably good relationships. Why? I believe that the answers partly have to do with our expectations about relationships.
According to many fairy tales, love relationships would involve: (1) meeting the “perfect “prince (or princess), and (2) living happily ever after. Most Hollywood movies (e.g., Pretty Women, Sleepless in Seattle, etc.) would lead you believe that real relationships with real people would follow the course of typical fairy tales. But in our day-to-day reality, they do not.
The nitty-gritty of real relationships may not make good Hollywood movies, but they are worth knowing a little bit about. Relationships (when they work) have a potential to provide us with a lasting sense of companionship, belonging and pleasure. People in good relationships are in general much healthier and happier. How does one make his or her love relationship work? The key is in the attitudes and expectations. If a woman expects a Cinderella story for her relationship, she is bound to be disappointed that her love relationship seems so full of problems (and arguments). I would say the same for a man. There are no perfect relationships, as there are no perfect people. When the glowing and rushing feelings from “falling in love” fades (as they all do eventually), this signals not the end of that love relationship, but the beginning of the time to work on the relationship in order for it to last. If you do, you will be richly rewarded.
Nima Patel, PhD (2006 Post-Doctoral Fellow), Counselor Blog #1
Stress Management, Part 1
With the academic year in full swing now, stress is a constant feeling surrounding us. Unfortunately, stress is an everyday fact of life, which cannot be avoided, especially as graduate students. Therefore we need to adapt to stress. Stress is essential to life. The stress that we experience helps us to get work done and to accomplish our goals. It is important to note here that all stress is not bad stress. Stress is only bad when it interferes with functioning.
Sometimes it may be difficult to recognize stress. Common signs of stress include teeth grinding, fatigue, irritability, anger, depression, forgetfulness, sleep deprivation, and impulsive behaviors. Other signs include tight muscles, headaches, panic attacks, sensitivity, impaired concentration, poor problem solving, and interpersonal conflict. Graduate students cannot “afford” to have these symptoms therefore stress management is extremely important. Since we all experience stress, resilience, the capacity to recover following a stress is vital.
In a recent study, Rosenbaum and Covino (2005) examined resilience and its implications. An interesting piece of the article focused on Dr. Charney’s research regarding resilience. Dr. Charney presented 10 critical psychological elements and characteristics of resilience. These included: optimism, altruism, having a moral compass (set of beliefs) that cannot be altered, faith and spirituality, humor, having a role model, social support, facing fear, having a mission or purpose in life, and training to be resilient.
In my next Blog, I’ll go over even more specific strategies to manage your stress!
Nima Patel, PhD (2006 Post-Doctoral Fellow), Counselor Blog #2
Stress Management, Part 2
In my last Blog entry, I mentioned the general ways to manage stress. These included: optimism, altruism, having a moral compass (set of beliefs) that cannot be altered, faith and spirituality, humor, having a role model, social support, facing fear, having a mission or purpose in life, and training to be resilient. This week, I’ll add even more to the list. In addition to the elements listed above, there are a couple of easy behavioral strategies that can help in managing stress that highlight many of these things.
One such strategy is walking. Yes, walking can reduce stress. Walking is one of the best exercises for overall fitness and health. You can reap the same benefits from walking as you can from running, cycling or swimming. Plus if you are interested in shedding a few pounds here is a way to do it and also reduce your level of stress. After all isn’t multitasking key to surviving graduate school? Walk 3 to 5 times a week for 45 to 60 minutes. Your walk should be brisk and arm swinging to get your heart pumping, and make sure you stand up straight. You can always make your stress relieving walk fun, by inviting friends along, taking your dog, or listening to you ipod. Remember that the behavioral change alone (i.e. starting to walk) is key.
The second easy strategy is the quick release of tension. This is accomplished in 5 easy steps: 1) exhale, 2) inhale slowly and hold for one second, 3) exhale slowly and sigh, 4) relax your hands and drop your shoulders, 5) relax your jaw and allow your mouth to open slightly. This is a quick stress management technique that can be done right before a thesis or dissertation defense, or a big exam.
Another useful exercise that is similar to the one above is rapid relaxation. This is a very quick method to help you achieve a state of relaxation. If you practice this enough you should be able to relax in about 3 minutes. There are 3 steps to this: 1) take a deep breath and slowly exhale, 2) as you breathe out, imagine the tension and stress draining away with your exhaled breath, 3) repeat this twice more.
This next activity is for the visual and/or imaginative people out there. To achieve a relaxed state imagine something pleasant or relaxing. This can be a special place (the beach or forest), a sound (piano music, or a relaxation cd), a smell (the smell of a lemon or flowers), or touching something (dangling your feet in water).
Making the most of sleep can also relieve stress. This doesn’t take any extra time out of your day because you already spend some time sleeping. Prepare for sleep by reading a book, listening to music, drinking milk (maybe cheesy, but it works for some people), or watch something pleasant on television. Some other basic strategies that may help decrease stress on a daily basis include goal setting, problem solving, prioritizing, being assertive, challenging negative thoughts, humor, having and utilizing a support system, and maintaining a balanced lifestyle (this is possible as a graduate student).
Remember not all of these strategies work for everyone but if you take some time to practice and/or relax you will find ways to cope with your stress. The alternative is to stay stressed, which is accomplished by not exercising, gaining weight, drinking too many caffeine products, procrastinating, getting rid of your time management skills, throwing out your sense of humor, personalizing all criticism, and my personal favorite- becoming a workaholic.
You are not alone. If you are finding it difficult to manage your stress please contact Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS). The stress clinic at CAPS is comprised of a series of groups and workshops designed to help you: reduce excessive worry and anxiety, decrease bodily symptoms of stress and tension, learn specific and practical coping strategies, promote inner peace and contentment, strengthen social skills and self-confidence, improve academic and work achievement, enhance physical well-being and athletic performance, increase body awareness and enhance daily functioning. Groups offered through the Stress Management Clinic range from two-session workshops to groups that meet weekly. Some groups begin throughout the quarter, while others start at the beginning of the quarter. All groups are free of charge for current UCSD students. For additional information about the UCSD Stress Management Clinic, please visit our website at http://psychservices.ucsd.edu.
Jerry Phelps, PhD, Blog #1
Alcohol and College
Is alcohol a big part of college life? Well, it may surprise you to know that most UCSD students don’t drink alcohol to excess. In fact, 72% of UCSD students report that they drink 0, 1, 2 or 3 drinks when they are at party. When I was a college student at UC Berkeley, there was a lot more drinking. Now, alcohol use has decreased. Don’t get me wrong, many students do drink, but if they do, most do it responsibly. Those who don’t moderate have a lower GPA and are less likely to graduate. So, if you think that you have to drink alcohol to fit in, remember this – Most UCSD students don’t abuse alcohol. So, what do you do for healthy fun? Well, I enjoy surfing, listening to music and making or eating food with friends. At UCSD there are lots of intramural sports, a wide variety of clubs and student organizations and many, really cool and interesting people. So, hang with the winners and have fun without drinking. If you want to check out how your alcohol use compares to other UCSD students, take the online test called UCSD e-Chug. If you have a problem with alcohol or want to talk to someone about it, come to the Alcohol and Substance Abuse Forum on Fridays from 2:15-4:30 at Muir College Half Dome Lounge. Or you can call and make an appointment with me at (858) 822-2614.
Natalie Rice-Thorp, PhD, Blog #1
Achieving Peace of Mind
Are you Stressed Out? In our fast-paced society it is easy to feel overwhelmed with things to do. Our Peace of Mind workshops give students a break from their stress filled lives. Enjoy a calming hour of relaxation and mindfulness exercises, learn strategies for handing difficult emotions, and get tips for managing challenging interpersonal situations. Having difficulty concentrating? The mindfulness skills taught in the Peace of Mind workshops can help you learn to focus your attention, manage your worries, and gain peace of mind. See the on-line schedule each quarter for weekly topics. You don’t have to sign up ahead of time, just drop in and join us! The workshops are facilitated by Dr. Karla Materna, Dr. Christina Lambert, and Dr. Natalie Rice-Thorp.
Natalie Rice-Thorp, PhD, Blog #2
Dealing with Grief & Loss
Death can be a difficult thing to talk about. When people experience the death of a friend or family member, they often feel alone and confused. They may not know friends who have lost a parent, sibling, or close friend, and it can be hard to know how to talk about the death with others. Shock, sadness, anger, guilt, and emptiness are some of the emotions people commonly experience. The Good Grief workshops are one way that students can meet other students who are experiencing similar losses. Your loss does not have to be recent to participate in the workshops (it can be as recent as last week or as far back as childhood). Workshops have 4-7 participants at a time. Many of the students we see for individual grief counseling also choose to participate in the Good Grief workshops. They say that the workshops are very helpful in decreasing their feelings of isolation and that they feel understood by their peers. They also get helpful tips from each other on a wide array of topics including: how to talk to your professors about the death; how to get support from friends; how to handle the grief of other family members/friends; and what to do when you feel overwhelmed with emotion at school or work. Students who were initially hesitant to be in a group of people often said that they quickly felt comfortable and they were glad that they tried it. Our workshops meet on a weekly basis most quarters during the school year. You don’t have to grieve alone. Workshops are facilitated by Dr. Natalie Rice-Thorp and Nancy Wahlig. Talk to your counselor or call Dr. Rice-Thorp if you are interested in hearing more about this workshop.
Peter Russell, PhD, Counselor Blog #1
Our Work with Medical Students
In addition to serving the needs of all regular registration fee-paying students, CAPS is highly committed to serving the unique needs of our students from the School of Medicine. As the liaison to the UCSD School of Medicine, working with medical students is incredibly rewarding. Like any other UCSD student population, medical students may present with personal adjustment and/or academic performance issues. In addition, they also present with unique challenges due to the incredible intensity and time demands their academic program requires. Our medical students are under intense academic pressure. At CAPS, we think it’s crucial to provide medical students with timely access to psychological support to guarantee their continued success. Medical students interested in seeking services should contact our agency directly to arrange for an initial evaluation, but may also contact Dr. Russell at (858) 534-0767 directly to ensure timely access.
Peter Russell, PhD, Counselor Blog #2
Our Work at the Colleges
The residential college model is one of the most distinct qualities of student life at UCSD. As a clinical psychologist, my work with students includes individual, couples, group, and sometimes family counseling. The opportunity to reside within the Revelle campus as a psychologist allows me to be a member of the Revelle Student Affairs staff, and supports my work from a community psychology perspective. I am grateful to be a member of the Revelle Student Affairs Staff, and I believe that this affiliation makes my work even more effective with students. This would not be possible were it not for the tremendous respect my Revelle co-workers have for the confidentiality of my work with students. I know that this level of respect and collegiality exists at each of the undergraduate colleges; our commitment to the colleges is to provide immediate access for staff and students seeking our consultation and outreach to the community. This is what separates our counseling services from those at other, centrally-based university counseling centers. It’s all about our involvement in the community – and we are committed you and the colleges. For more information about the psychologists at each colleges, go to our Staff page.
Rina Schul, PhD, Blog #1
Adjustment to Old and New Environments
I just arrived to San Diego this past summer after spending two years in my home country, Israel. I lived in San Diego before, yet being away for such a long time brings back old feelings of being an outsider. It strikes me most when I talk with people. All of a sudden I become painfully aware of my thick foreign accent, and a flood of thoughts goes through my head: “They must know I am a foreigner..(sigh) can they understand me? Do they think less of me? Do I fit in?” The other day, my three and a half year old son gave me one of the best insights in a long time. Once a week, they have a Share & Tell time at their daycare – each kid brings in a toy from home, and on their turn, shows the toy to the other kids and talks about it. I was concerned about my son’s experience as he does not speak English. At the end of the day, I asked him how it went. He replied with “fun” (in Hebrew - our mother tongue) and had a big smile on his face. I felt compelled to ask the teacher what she observed, and to my great surprise she said that he stood in front of the group, proudly showing his truck, and talking and talking and talking about it, though in Hebrew. It didn’t seem to bother him, and everybody else was happy too. I thought - what a lesson! Be who you are, flow with it naturally and people will just have to accept you!
John Sexton, PhD, ABPP
Conflict Resolution: The Secret to Relationships
As the pile of negative thoughts about another’s behavior grows larger, it obscures the caring view we once had. Relationships prosper when we forget about the pile, and deal with what is happening now. Let the former injustices be ‘water over the dam’. Deal with the ‘current’ stuff.
Communicate as if you were playing tennis. As in tennis, the players follow rules and get better with practice. Let’s assume Mary is upset with something John has done. In the ideal world, John would have sensed his behavior was upsetting to Mary, and he would say how his behavior would improve. However, it is Mary’s responsibility to serve a ball into John’s court whenever Mary has a negative feeling toward John. If Mary doesn’t serve, more stuff is added to the pile that separates Mary from John. Mary appropriately serves to John with a brief ‘feeling statement’, such as “I feel ______, when you ______.” Mary can never be wrong in how she feels; however, her thoughts about John’s behavior could have been based on inaccurate data, which causes a feeling that is more intense than indicated. There are 3 ways in which John could respond to Mary’s ‘feeling statement serve’. If he says nothing, or if he angrily tries to serve to Mary, he loses points. A good return by John would be a brief statement indicating he understands Mary’s feelings and what he will do to stop or lessen that behavior in the future. If Mary needs data to help her think more accurately about his behavior, John could carefully add that evidence with his return of the serve. If John’s return is adequate, Mary says “OK”, and this game is over. If John’s return is not adequate, Mary volleys back to John’s court with some guidance on how John can make a good final return.
Referees and line judges often aren’t available to call fouls, so each player must observe for infractions. Ensure that another ball (issue) isn’t served until the original one has run its course. This means, don’t bring up another issue until the original one is completed. This is the most common infraction. As soon as the original game is over, either player may fire off a serve, starting a new game. Other common fouls include ‘mind reading’, ‘labeling’, and inaccurately ‘crystal balling’ the future. Use Cognitive Restructuring to avoid these. If a player becomes overheated, he or she may call “time-out”, but they must designate the time play will resume. Extended time-outs cause muscle cramping.
By following these Conflict Resolution rules, both parties win, and any relationship can be healthy.